Building New Chapter Beyond Generational Fear, Hate

By Dorian Martin, I Start Wondering Founder

Summer seems to have flown by! Now it’s time to start a new season of I Start

Wondering offerings. And yet, like everything in life these days, it feels like we’re turning the

page to a new chapter. 

For some of our I Start Wondering team, that new chapter involves starting a new relationship, whether that’s with a loved one, a new role at work, a retiring spouse, or going deeper into themselves. Others on our team have been reinvigorated by looking at the world through a different lens, whether through embracing technology in a different way or experiencing the wonder of new activities.

Bending Time

Dorian Martin's Father

For me, this summer was an invitation to time travel. I continue to clean out the stockpile of old documents and photos that my mother, who was born in the 1920s and lived into her 80s, collected over the years. I tried to be thoughtful about what I kept, what I passed on to different relatives, and what I threw away (including many blurry photos or pictures of unidentified individuals).

Still, I enjoyed the time spent picking through these treasures. It was especially interesting and insightful to peek into the window of my parents’ earlier lives before I was even a glimmer in anyone’s eye. There was a picture of my mother when she coached high school basketball and a newspaper clipping mentioning the name of her first fiancé. Another find: a string of letters that my father wrote to my mother in the months’ run-up to their wedding, where he described his daily life as a merchandise buyer in Chicago.  I also enjoyed scouring the documents and photos that detailed where they lived and vacationed at various points in their lives in their younger days.

A Changing World

Yet, there were other historical documents that made me pause and feel the deep sense of pain that permeates our country. I reviewed records detailing how one side of my family travelled from the Old World to Virginia in the 1600s in search of religious freedom—and then, sadly, how the family’s future generations became slaveowners, viewing people as property. 

Counterbalancing that was more recent letters from the 1920s that, as I mentioned in a previous column, uncovered a family mystery: my paternal grandparents immigrated to the United States in the late 1800s and 20 years later changed the family surname because of extreme prejudice they encountered. 

Dorian Martin's mom as a young girl

I also found other items that had special resonance to my own day-to-day existence. Mom had saved the small cards that accompanied gifts that were sent soon after my birth. One card was from my paternal grandmother, welcoming the new “debutante.” While that could have meant my entry into the world, I also know that she was very concerned about the trappings of social class and may have dreamed of a day when I was the belle of the ball. That card also spoke to the times, since a woman’s status was based primarily on who she married as opposed to her capacity and aspirations.

Learning From Instead of Burying the Past

While some would say we should forget our history, I believe that what has happened in our personal past — whether that’s ancestral or in our own day-to-day lives — still informs the world we live in today.  And scientists and therapists are increasingly noting that the pain of the past can lead to triggers resulting in ill-considered decisions and emotional responses. 

Case in point: Gabor Maté, a world-renowned trauma expert, who talks candidly about how trauma can affect a person’s entire life. He speaks from experience: his very early childhood experiences in Hungary during and right after the Holocaust continue to affect his life decades later, resulting in explosive outbursts at his wife and physical symptoms such as bedwetting. 

Fortunately for me, my mother understood the potential consequences of our family’s combined history and took steps to break the cycle. For instance, she made a very conscious effort to expose me and my brother to cultures and experiences beyond our heritage and day-to-day lives.

For example, Mom purposefully took me to worship services in both Christian churches and other religions when I was growing up so I could decide for myself which religion, if any, to embrace. 

Equally as powerful, Mom didn’t blink an eye in requesting that I be enrolled in a Black teacher’s elementary classroom after he was recommended as the best teacher. That was a bold move to make in conservative Texas shortly after the Civil Rights movement. (And for the record, this summer I found a picture of that teacher in the photos that my mother saved and realized how grateful I was that she had the foresight to place me in his class.)

(Above pictures left to right: Dorian's Father and Uncle, Dorian's Parents, Dorian's mom as a basketball coach, Dorian with her brother and mom, Dorian's Dad, Dorian's mom as a child.)

Moving Forward

Now, as we watch strife erupt globally around politics, religious differences, ethnicity, immigration, culture, and what exactly should be considered history, I find myself increasingly coming to terms with these different facets in my own past. I realize that no individual’s history is “pure,” no matter how much personal or collective whitewashing happens.

Knowing that I personally have relatives on both sides of the family who came to the United States in search of religious freedom and to escape persecution makes me empathize with current immigrants’ situation in our country.  Additionally, it deeply saddens me to realize that my forefathers owned another person and fought for keeping the system of slavery in place. 

Yet while I grapple with understanding my ancestors’ choices, I realize that I can’t change the past. However, I can follow my mother’s example of how to change the future trajectory. For me, that means embracing both the light and the shadows of my own history, and then making better choices aligned with my values so that I can truly begin to embody them. 

For example, I’m regularly making donations to World Central Kitchen, which is dedicated to creating longer tables for anyone, regardless of race, politics, religion, gender or culture. This nonprofit goes into areas of need, whether caused by natural disaster or human cruelty, to feed the populace. I also purchased The World Central Kitchen Cookbook*, knowing that proceeds would support the group’s future efforts. The cookbook features recipes from places the group has served, including Haiti, the United States, Honduras, the Bahamas, Ukraine, and the Middle East. These decisions feel right in light of my family’s immigrant past and commitment to religious freedom, combined with our history of prejudice against “others” who, in reality, are an integral part of the human family.

New Offerings in This Chapter

In the spirit of creating a new future, I Start Wondering spent part of the summer on a “listening tour.” We conducted a series of focus groups and analyzed data about what resonates with our community. This will lead us to have some shifts moving forward. We’re still having conversations about what these shifts will look like, but are excited to better serve our community. Stay tuned for those–and if you haven’t already, we invite you to sign up for our weekly newsletter or scroll to the bottom of the page to join and stay informed.

*All purchases through Bookshop benefit an independent bookstore. Proceeds from the purchase of these books will be used to support I Start Wondering's programming for women who have reached mid-life and beyond.