All the Single Ladies: Happily Flying Solo

By Kaye Olsson, I Start Wondering Columnist

For 15 years, I was happily married to the most wonderful man, someone whom I loved and respected as my true partner and “soulmate.” After he passed away, I made the conscious decision to remain happy—and single. 

Some of my friends expressed surprise at my complete disinterest in remarrying (or even dating) again. But it turns out that I’m not alone in this attitude. I’ve noticed there appears to be a growing trend of American women who are not merely settling for being single but are actively embracing it.

A Shifting Narrative

In fact, between the years 2018 and 2030 the number of unmarried women in this country is projected to increase by 1.2 percent each year, compared with an annual growth rate of just 0.8 percent for the overall U.S. population. In a 2022 Pew Research study, only 34 percent of single heterosexual women responded that they were actively seeking a relationship, compared to 54 percent of the single men. This gap is fueled by a mix of possible factors: widening divides in education, politics, and priorities—plus the simple luxury of not having to share a bathroom or clean up someone else’s mess. 

As women gained more rights and financial independence with the passage of Title IX in 1972 and the Equal Credit Opportunity Act in 1974, attitudes around divorce shifted. During this time, legally separating from a spouse became a more socially acceptable way out of an unhappy marriage. It is no coincidence that the divorce revolution happened alongside the women’s liberation movement—and the impact of both events can still be felt today. Now women enjoy many more career and educational options than before and are far less dependent on a partner as their sole source of financial security.

With this newfound financial freedom, some women are finding that focusing on friendships, careers, or personal peace is far more appealing than the stresses that often accompany dating or marriage. So perhaps it’s not really surprising that more women are choosing to remain single. Many are building their own version of the American dream through actions such as buying homes solo and starting families on their own. Younger women are staying single longer—or, in some cases, staying single forever—and flourishing.

And this is not just a trend occurring among the younger generations. Demographic data show that the number of unmarried men and women in their mid-60s or older is greater now than at any time in the past three decades. According to an analysis of 2020 Census Bureau data, approximately 53 percent of U.S. women age 65 and older are either divorced, widowed, or never married—compared to 30 percent of men. However, behind these numbers is a very different picture from what popular culture would lead us to believe. 

Not “A Nurse or A Purse”

Gone is old myth about the sad cat lady sitting at home while the eligible bachelor paints the town red. As it turns out, single women are actually much more content with their circumstances than single men. On average, single women report experiencing greater overall well-being—including higher relationship status satisfaction, higher life satisfaction, higher sexual satisfaction, and lower desire for a partner—compared to single men. These results run contrary to the narratives that we often hear about single women being lonely, miserable, or desperate for romantic partners.

Beyond the obvious cultural shifts, there is also less social pressure to couple up nowadays. Plenty of American women are finding they don’t need a husband to enjoy their golden years. And women, in particular, are awakening to the reality that marriage—especially later in life—involves a great deal of caregiving. Many older women are not willing to spend their final chapter serving as a “nurse or a purse.” In other words, they don’t want to go through the heart-wrenching experience of caring for a sick spouse, and they also don’t want to jeopardize their own financial stability by becoming married.

Another issue to consider is that, in the past three decades, men’s social networks have shrunk significantly compared to women's. In a 2019 article entitled “Men Have No Friends And Women Bear The Burden,” journalist Melanie Hamlett noted that many American men grow up believing they should behave like stoic robots in front of other men, and that women are the only people they are allowed to turn to for emotional support. The act of "mankeeping"—the added responsibility of tending to the emotional needs of the adult men in their lives—places an additional burden on women’s time and energy. She adds this “is not only detrimental to men, it’s exhausting an entire generation of women.” 

All By Myself (Happily)

What’s clear from additional research is that, as single people age and cultivate the lives they want for themselves outside of a relationship, they continue to get happier. Those were the findings of a longitudinal study involving more than 6,000 people between the ages of 40 and 85, which found that single people’s satisfaction increased over a 6-year span while coupled people’s did not. These findings suggest that women are, on average, happier in singlehood than men.

This is a truly refreshing approach to happiness—and one that more people could stand to learn a thing or two from. What lessons can single women teach us? For one, the importance of connections with friends and family outside of a romantic relationship or partnership. These platonic relationships become imperative in later life, when, as is often the case, a woman outlives her male spouse or partner. This is one of the reasons why single women often do so well in later life, because they already know how to live independently and have a much more diverse support network to draw from. 

I am personally finding that living life as a solo adventure is full of benefits. It provides the freedom to discover my own interests and needs while also focusing on my mental health. Ultimately, whether we choose to be married or single, my opinion is that no one should measure self-worth by the yardstick of romantic relationships. Cultivating our own individual sense of identity and self-fulfillment, regardless of marital status, is a much more satisfying way to approach life.