Confronting the Inner Saboteur Around Time

Tick. Tick. Tick.

That annoying sound made by a clock’s minute hand serves as a constant reminder of the passage of time. While we can choose to ignore the sound, we can’t outrun the reality that as we age, the sand in our personal hourglass is quietly slipping away. 

Not to be morbid, but our time is finite. But knowing that there is a “finish line” can help us concentrate our energy and attention toward what we really want. And as we reach the third chapter of life, we actually have the time along with well-earned wisdom to pursue our passions. 

But we often ignore that we don’t really know how much time we have left. Our time could be up after the next breath. I learned this the hard way after my very vibrant friend Molly died at 48 in a car accident. A gifted photographer and dedicated mother, she was full of personal and professional aspirations. But sadly, those plans were cut short.

Now I’ve exceeded Molly’s age, yet my memories of her remind me that we’re all here temporarily. I only have the present moment to fully embrace this life.

And yet, am I doing that? I know that while I’ve enjoyed a fairly full life, there are still ideas, passions, and experiences I want to explore. I’m not the first to feel this way; other women – including painter Grandmother Moses, fashion icon Iris Apfel and author Laura Ingalls Wilder – have found their stride and come into their own later in life.

Taking on the Time Saboteur 

Yet, I – like everyone I know – can settle into the daily daze and get pulled into societal expectations. That means I’m not making time for what I want, which is a key piece of my quest to develop personal sovereignty.

As I’ve noted in a previous column, part of my process has included contemplating the four Archetypes of Survival – the Child, the Victim, the Saboteur and the Prostitute – which were identified by New York Times bestselling author and spiritual teacher Caroline Myss. 

While all four can play into the concept of time, I have found the most challenging one to be the Saboteur. Myss describes this archetype as “a mechanism in us that activates every time we have an opportunity to empower ourselves or someone else.”

And while it’s easy to default into blaming external forces for sabotaging us, the biggest foe often is internal. For example, I personally can be gung-ho about an idea or project but then find that I’ve not set aside the necessary time to bring the effort to fruition. I also can overload myself with areas of interest – “Squirrel!” – before realizing that I don’t have the capacity to multitask like I used to. Or I can agree to something suggested by someone else, which while worthwhile, also requires that I allocate a part of my schedule that takes me away from my own priorities. And honestly, I admit that I can procrastinate with the best of them. 

Ultimately, all of these fall into the Saboteur category – and are ultimately a result of my own choices. And as I ponder these choices, I can find myself wondering, “Where did the time go?”

Time Bound

We also may be deluding ourselves on where we actually are spending our time. I recently found an eye-opening report by Pew Charitable Trust describing how we use our time, including an analysis by gender and age. Here are some of the interesting findings:

• Relaxing – Women increasingly spend more time each day relaxing as they age. In their 40s, women relax 2 hours, 44 minutes daily, which steadily increases to 4 hours, 35 minutes in their 60s. By their 70s, women are spending slightly less than six hours daily relaxing. 

• Watching Television – Television increasingly becomes a major part of daily life for both men and women as we age. Women in their 40s watch 1 hour 53 minutes of television daily (as compared to two hours, 20 minutes among men of the same age). By the age of 60, women’s television consumption jumped to 3 hours, 20 minutes while men reached the four-hour mark. And by our 70s, women on average consume over four hours of television while men’s usage is at five hours daily.

• Socializing – Women, on average, spend between 30-41 minutes daily socializing throughout their adulthood (from their 20s into their 70s). 

• Civic/Religious Activities – Women spend 21 minutes daily in civic and religious activities when they are in their 40s and 50s. That amount of time jumped to 35 minutes daily by their 70s.

• Exercising – Women consistently spend around 15 minutes daily exercising from their 40s through their 70s.

  
  

Just looking at that data gives us something to reflect on and helps us realize that we may be overestimating (or underestimating) our daily choices. Are we really putting the time into our priorities or are other categories – such as television – taking over our time? 

If you answer “yes” to the latter, you’ve met your Saboteur.

Saving Time

Business consultant Ginny Clarke recently said something on her Instagram account that resonates with the importance of outwitting the Saboteur in this area: “In the ancient temples, they understood something we have forgotten. Your energy is not renewable; it is sacred currency, and every moment you spend it carelessly, you diminish the divine force flowing through you. You say yes when your soul screams no.  You give your time to what doesn’t serve you because you fear disappointing others.”

Realizing that you’re sabotaging yourself can help you identify the necessary adjustments you want to make at a time in life where daily structure – such as having specific office hours – is often fading.

So how do you get past that sneaky Saboteur? Here are some ways that have worked for me:

• Identifying one’s true passions and priorities is important. If you say you want to be healthy but aren’t committing time to daily exercise and preparing and eating nutritious food, your inner Saboteur may be setting you up for a health surprise. 

• I’ve also slowed down my decision-making process when opportunity knocks. As a result, I sit with the contemplation popularized in Suzy Welch’s book, 10-10-10: A Fast and Powerful Way to Get Unstuck in Love, at Work, and with Your Family.*

  Is this invitation/project/commitment something I want to do for 10 minutes? Am I willing to make a longer commitment? If I only have 10 years left to live, is this something that will enrich my life? Is this a true priority or something that I am doing to just go along with someone else’s desires? Am I taking on something that is actually someone else’s responsibility? 

• I’ve made a real effort to step away from the television, which has sucked up my attention in the past. Instead, I’m choosing to focus on projects, including getting through my too-tall to-be-read bookstack. 

• I also try to be aware of when my mind is starting to base its decisions on FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). For example, I accompanied Mara Soloway, a devoted knitter, to a yarn store. Lured by the idea of knitting, I bought the yarn and the needles and took a few lessons. However, I could never get into a project. I finally realized that while I liked knitted goods, I didn’t want learn how to do it. I donated my yarn to Mara and focused instead on something I do love: needlepoint.

Yet as we contemplate how we use our time, it’s equally important to appreciate the journey. It’s the process of committing to the varied lessons around a new pursuit – whether that’s growing a garden or establishing a community network – that provides the gist for a well-lived and soulful life. Like studying any subject, creating a personal masterwork or learning to ride a bicycle, it takes effort and practice, patience around mistakes, and a commitment to learning. 

Consider this as your invitation to determine what truly makes you feel alive – and then committing to finding the time in your day to do it!

*All purchases through Bookshop benefit an independent bookstore. Proceeds from the purchase of these books will be used to support I Start Wondering's programming for women who have reached midlife and beyond.