Improve Your Life by Thinking About Your Death
By Kaye Olsson, I Start Wondering Columnist
Similar to many women in midlife, I’ve done my fair share of caregiving and have witnessed multiple loved ones as they journeyed through the transition from life to death. And, as my friends and family members continue to grow older, I find myself dealing with this kind of loss more and more frequently. These experiences, both beautiful and deeply emotional, have helped me eventually learn to accept death as a natural part of the progression of life.
This attitude, however, is far from the norm.
We all view the world through our own unique lens, which is informed by various factors such as spiritual beliefs, family environment, or past social conditioning. For most people, contemplating death can be difficult. This struggle seems to be rooted in fear: the fear of suffering, of losing control, or of the unknown. So, the natural reaction is to banish death from our thoughts.
But that denial can lead us to make choices in life that may actually shortchange our happiness. Instead, I believe a better approach is to think about death in order to create a more satisfying life.
Recognizing that Life is Short
When we avoid thoughts of death, we subconsciously take the future for granted by believing tomorrow will look a lot like today. But forcing ourselves to think about death — our own passing and that of others — encourages us to examine how we are expending our resources. People who express the most regrets on their deathbed tend to be those who postponed meaningful activities such as travel, creative expression, or time with loved ones. This is probably because they realized too late the importance of acting on their priorities instead of assuming there would always be time to do these things later.
I experienced this firsthand at the age of 35 when the death of my mother (at the young age of 59) shook my world and threw off my center of gravity. All of a sudden, it occurred to me that life does not go on forever and, in fact, can be cut quite short when we least expect it. That realization led me to seriously examine how I was spending my time, and to develop an intense sense of urgency to squeeze everything I possibly could into my remaining years.
Living Fully and Dying Prepared
There are many benefits to thinking about death, which I recently discovered while taking a course called “Living Fully and Dying Prepared.” The course content was based on the book* of the same name, written by Francesca Lynn Arnoldy, who works as a professional death doula.
At first glance, the notion of spending five weeks in a “death class” could sound rather morbid. But it was far from it and turned out to be quite an uplifting experience.
Through the assigned readings and personal exercises, I and my fellow participants were encouraged to explore any areas of our lives that were considered unfinished business. This included addressing our perceptions of death, clarifying our authentic selves, identifying our bucket list items, and contemplating any legacy we’d like to leave behind.
Only during the final week did we talk about our wishes for end-of-life care; the rest of the time was devoted to discussions about LIVING.
Getting Your Affairs in Order
The most important lesson I took away from this experience was that, ironic as it may seem, confronting our thoughts about death helps to encourage positive thinking. “Getting your affairs in order” is not only restricted to financial and legal documents, but also involves preparing your heart and mind for the end of life. This includes being honest with ourselves and those around us about what we value as important. By identifying our personal priorities — and acting on them — we can cultivate authentic lives that will leave us with fewer regrets (and more peace) at the end.
Thinking about death in this way may not come naturally and will likely take some practice at first. A simple way to start is by being more intentional about our actions and integrating a daily memento mori, or reminder of death. One idea is to begin each day with a version of this statement: “I know that someday I will be dead, and a few years after that, no one will even remember my name. But I am alive on this day, and I will not waste it.” Feel free to personalize this to suit your particular style, and know that practicing it will feel less unnatural as time goes by.
Next, survey your plans and goals. Are you working toward your authentic dreams or are you mindlessly sleepwalking through each day? Have you postponed happiness or satisfying relationships in favor of someone else’s definition of success?
Make a list of what you really want out of life: places you’d like to go, experiences you’d like to have, people you’d like to be with. Think about conversations you want to have and feelings you would like to express. Then work to make this list a reality. Take a page from poet Mary Oliver and ask yourself, “What do I want to do with this one wild and precious life I’ve been given?” Then envision yourself coming to life’s end and being faced with the question, “Am I ready?”
Leaving a Legacy
And finally, think about the good you can do now that will endure beyond your death. A legacy doesn’t necessarily have to be a grand gesture such as raising 16 children or building a monument with your name on it. Any thoughtful act done with intention can bring incredible beauty into the world.
Some people fight for legislation, start charities, or plant trees knowing these efforts will outlast them. Others pass down priceless treasures such as a cherished family recipe, an artisanal craft, or an ancestral story. Even seemingly simple acts of kindness can cement you in someone else’s memory and leave a lasting legacy. The intent is to think of how our efforts to make life better for others can enrich future generations.
While it may seem initially uncomfortable or unusual, contemplating the death process gives us an opportunity to think about aspects of our humanness we would like to celebrate, restore, or perhaps shift into alignment. It encourages us to live fully while we can, while making an effort to die prepared.
This may be intimidating at first, so I would advise you to meet yourself where you are, then discover where you’d like to go. And remember it often feels too early — until it is too late.
*All purchases through Bookshop benefit an independent bookstore. Proceeds from the purchase of these books will be used to support I Start Wondering's programming for women who have reached mid-life and beyond.
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