Surprise! Learning to (Finally) Celebrate Ourselves

By Danielle Legg, I Start Wondering Columnist

By the time we arrive at our third chapter in life, many women have become so accustomed to caring for others that we inadvertently put ourselves last and often shy away from the spotlight.

As women, we are often encouraged to devote our time and energy to others by attending to those who rely on us (and often those who don’t), celebrating others’ milestones, and supporting others' emotional needs.

As a parent of three adult children, a grandmother of two energetic young girls, and a long-time educator, I deeply understand this. We get so used to shining that spotlight on others that it becomes our default habit to redirect that bright light of attention when it comes toward us. Any attention can feel uncomfortable and awkward.  When words of appreciation or compliments come our way, we may find ourselves deflecting and making self-deprecating comments in response. It becomes more and more difficult to honor our own worth. 

Planning for a Milestone

As my 60th birthday approached, I was filled with mixed feelings. I am not only entering a new decade, but I am on the “back 40.” The last chapter of my life is being played out in real time. How would I bring in this new decade, honor the past and celebrate what’s to come? 

My kids asked me how I wanted to celebrate. Did I want a party to mark this milestone birthday? Absolutely not! I am a card-carrying introvert and like many women, have never had a desire to have any attention drawn to me. 

Instead, I suggested attending the local university’s football game, spending time at the lake, or a day in nearby Houston. My adult children chose a day at the lake. Over the months leading up to my birthday, they shed light on the details – a lunchtime cookout, paddleboarding, and a swim – they were planning for that day. But to mark my milestone birthday, they said we as a family would have a special dinner at a nice restaurant downtown that evening. 

Soon, my 83-year-old dad reached out and shared that he would be coming to celebrate with us. I thought that was very sweet as he lives quite a distance away. When he arrived on the day of the celebration, he brought a great surprise: my sister and niece. Everyone was taking this 60th birthday thing very seriously!

The next day my kids arrived. We went to the lake and did all of the lake things, although I did think it was strange that my dad, sister and niece didn’t bring any lake attire. After an afternoon of fun, we returned home to dress for our special dinner. I noticed everyone really showering and primping for dinner, so I decided I better do the same. I was definitely ready to bring on 60 in fashion. 

A Real Surprise

We arrived at the restaurant, and my son led us to an upstairs room, saying that since we had a large family gathering, the restaurant had decided to seat us in a different area. I followed him up the stairs to an empty room with nicely decorated tables. I thought it was a little odd, but honestly, I can be a little gullible. 

Then all of a sudden, a large group of familiar people jumped out from behind a wall divider and yelled surprise! I was astonished and couldn't believe it. There were friends, family, and colleagues – both my extended family and my chosen family – from every part of my life in one room. I was speechless and honored, and humbled all at once by the fact that so many people would come together to celebrate my birthday with me. That made me feel warm and full inside – and the icing on the cake was that my 87-year-old uncle and his wife even made the trip from Kansas to spend this time with me. That brought tears to my eyes. 

My inner thoughts were those of gratitude, joy, and surprise. I couldn’t believe my kids pulled this off. How did they know who to invite? How did they keep it a secret? I was truly amazed. 

Yet there also was a sense of embarrassment. How could that be? While it was an amazing event, I had some conflicting thoughts as I worked the room and showed my appreciation to those who came to celebrate with me. Even at 60 years old, I had a strong feeling of being undeserving and unworthy of the attention and fanfare. 

I really had to check myself on that. Is that the reason I told my children I did not want a party? I am a confident woman who has built a successful career. I have wonderful friends and a great family. I travel the world, strive to be kind, and do good work whenever I can. Where does this undeserving and unworthiness come from? 

A Learned Response

Humility is not a bad characteristic, but this was more than that. It shouldn’t keep me from celebrating my life’s milestones with ALL of the people I love and enjoying it without feeling shame. 

Was I alone in this? Doing a little research helped me figure out my feelings. I found that girls who grew up in the 1960s and 1970s were taught to prioritize others' needs over our own, either explicitly or implicitly. We learned that a woman’s self-worth was based on service and sacrifice. Being confident, assertive, and driven were not characteristics valued in women at the time. Studies show women of my age often internalize messages that being nice, modest, and selfless are virtues, while assertiveness or self-celebration can feel shameful.

Brene Brown wrote an entire book called “Women and Shame” on the subject in 2004. I found that her definition of shame pretty much summed up what I was feeling and why.  “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging,” she said. “Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless and isolated.” 

I also discovered that it wasn’t until the 1970s that a few laws were passed to give women more rights, which increased our independence and leveled the playing field with male counterparts. In 1971, Reed v. Reed became the first U.S. Supreme Court case to strike down a law for discriminating based on sex. In 1972, Title IX banned sex discrimination for students and staff in federally funded education settings. And you may not remember this, but a woman couldn’t open her own bank account without her husband’s signature until 1973. All of this reminds us that women – including our mothers and grandmothers – had been second class citizens, so to speak, and laws were needed to change the trajectory of how women should be treated. 

Leaving Lifelong Patterns

This brought me back to the messages I received as a girl born in the 1960s. Politeness and harmony were valued over speaking up. Appearance and demeanor were emphasized more than ambition. Although I don’t believe that my parents intentionally sent these messages, it was all around me. From fairy tales such as Cinderella or Snow White to TV shows such as The Brady Bunch and Bewitched or movies like the Sound of Music, not to mention advertisements, the message was clear. 

As I’ve stepped into my 60s, I continue to reflect on my own childhood memories and how those experiences turned into behaviors that I still display now. I didn’t want to be a burden or cause any trouble. I was not encouraged to speak up or advocate for myself. I needed to be easy to get along with and to not draw attention to myself. 

On one occasion, I remember being at my grandparents’ farm when I was probably about 12 years old. My grandfather would not allow me to drive the tractor. Only my younger cousin, who was a boy, could do that. Did he think I wasn’t smart enough or brave enough? I didn’t argue or stand up for myself since I had been taught that that is not what girls do. If my grandfather was sending me that message, it’s clear what message my mother received as a child. 

Changing a Pattern Through Awareness

Which brings me to the present day, and my increasing awareness of my undeserving and unworthy feelings. Awareness is like an awakening. When we become aware, we can address that thing that we are noticing. 

I know now that my thoughts of shame and embarrassment come from a society that has a long history of putting specific expectations on girls and women. It is a cultural construct of thought that I do not have to buy into. 

So now, I am working on changing that dialogue in my head. I am allowing myself to take up space. I am worthy of celebration. I am enough. My voice matters. 

At 60 I am still learning and growing. I am still reflecting and contemplating. I am still a work in progress. 

But I do know this fact about turning 60. I am a MUCH better version of myself than I was at 20, 30, 40, or even 50. I look forward to what this decade has in store for me. After all, it has been a fantastic start with a fabulous party filled with family and friends – and I am working on myself to believe that I am worth it!