Coaching: Setting a Goal and Creating Boundaries

By Danielle Legg, I Start Wondering Columnist

Coaching is a great way to help mature women tackle a variety of topics that may be impeding their personal growth. A coach partners with the client to explore values and sources of motivation that lead to empowerment through tough and sometimes traumatic issues that keep women stuck or stagnant.  

Photo by Joseph Corl on Unsplash 

Let’s circle back to Ms. Pleaser from my previous article. She sees retirement in her near future but has difficulty saying no and therefore has over-committed herself. Her desire is to be able to take better care of herself in order to enhance her health during this period of her life. 

That’s where coaching becomes personal to each woman. There is no prescriptive set of strategies for one specific issue or problem. Coaching is organic. How it unfolds during each session depends on what is uncovered throughout the session. Two women facing the same dilemma will have differing means to accomplish their end goal.

Looking at the Problem

First, it is important to explore the problem in great detail. In Ms. Pleaser’s case, she wanted to start with improving her health. She is currently overweight and wants to lose about 50 pounds. She used to be active and ran almost daily, but now she is fairly sedentary. She may walk the dog on occasion. Her diet includes fast food, pasta, and sodas. 

But that begs asking Ms. Pleaser the question: What does “being healthier” mean to her? What is the health goal she has for herself? 

Articulating her definition of “healthier” is an important part of the process. The word can have different meanings for different women and sometimes there is an underlying conflict that comes up. For Ms. Pleaser, she wants to be healthy so that she can enjoy her retirement. She doesn’t want her children to have to take care of her. She wants to enjoy spending time with her grandchildren. 

We could even go a little further and define what retirement looks like to her. She wants to be physically self-sufficient and have the ability to travel and have active travel experiences such as participating in the Camino de Santiago. 

Additional questions naturally arise: What is her timeline? When will she know she has reached her goal? This information clarifies the direction of coaching and keeps us focused. 

Setting Priorities

The next piece of coaching is determined by where Ms. Pleaser wants to start. When working with Ms. Pleaser, sometimes an underlying conflict comes up. In her case, the issue was over-obligating herself to other commitments, which did not leave her the time or energy to take care of herself or to spend time on her priorities (instead of everyone else’s desires). 

That brings us to the topic of boundaries. Boundaries are limits that you have determined are necessary to protect your emotional and/or physical well-being. Sadly, most women have struggled with setting boundaries for a significant portion–if not their entire–lives.  Many women were raised to be pleasers and to be agreeable. “Don’t rock the boat! Everyone else's happiness is more important than hers.”

Think about it. How many times have you agreed to something when you really didn’t want to? How often do you set a limit on what does not feel right to you?  That’s where boundaries come in.

Ms. Pleaser is no different. She had to start with establishing boundaries. She needed to start saying no and disentangling herself from everything that does not serve her well-being.  

How do you do that? The process is individualized. In Ms. Pleaser’s case, she decided to step down from her homeowner’s association board and another board she was committed to. 

These were not easy decisions. Afterall, her name is Ms. Pleaser. Through lots of coaching and understanding her underlying need to be liked and to not disappoint others, she became empowered when she started to realize that it didn’t matter if she disappointed people by saying no. Their approval did not define her, and she was most likely creating a story in her head of dislike and disapproval. 

There is often a barrier or underlying cause as to why we struggle to accomplish our goals. If this wasn’t the case, then we would all be flying high, accomplishing everything we set our mind to. A coach can help uncover the obstacles that you are facing, help you set a plan moving forward, and partner with you on the journey. 

Will Ms. Pleaser find a way to a happy, healthy retirement? Stay tuned to see how she and others work through the coaching process.