The Transformative, Soul-Healing Power of Grief

By Danielle Legg, I Start Wondering Columnist

Danielle with her mother and sister enjoying puppies

Middle aged women are experts in dealing with shifting priorities. If we raised a family, we have pivoted on a daily basis for years. Our careers too have helped us feel some expertise in dealing with change.

Some of us are now faced with elderly, sometimes ill parents who need love and care. Priorities shift again. But, what if your relationship with your parent(s) is strained? What if you have a minimal relationship with your siblings and don’t see eye to eye on how to handle this end-of-life journey?

This article isn’t about caregiving per say; it’s about my grief and how I worked through my complicated relationships with family when faced with a dying parent and rediscovered love where there had been estrangement.

My Journey

When I rolled into my late 40s, my kids were solidly on their own adult paths, my career was flourishing, and I was beginning to focus on self-discovery. But the universe had other ideas when my mother started showing some memory loss. 

After months of doctors’ visits, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. This diagnosis rocked my world in many ways through creating a big challenge that caused me to shift my priorities. 

But what if the challenge is more than the disease itself? What if the added challenge adds incredible weight to already strained family relationships that had built up over time. What if the challenge is working together to find consensus and peace during my mother’s end-of-life care? 

My mother and I always had a difficult relationship. She was an alcoholic throughout my childhood but thankfully went into recovery and was sober for most of my adult life. Children of alcoholics don’t always get the emotional nurturing that they need and that can leave a hole in the soul. It’s an empty space that you may spend most of your life trying to fill. 

Stepping Up to the Challenge

When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I was the only child nearby, I had to face the fact that I was going to be the one to take care of her, including making decisions about her care and eventually holding her as she took her last breath. Any opportunity that I may have had to reconcile my relationship with my mom had vanished for good. 

Honestly, I thought I had worked through my issues with my mom in my late 30s and early 40s. I didn’t go to therapy, although I probably should have. Instead, I read books and studied spiritual teachings. I leaned on friend groups and a significant other. 

I eventually came to realize that my mom had her own story based on her history. Still, she tried to bring her best self – what she was capable of at that moment, which varied from day to day to my sister and me. She was a flawed human being, just like I am. I finally came to the realization, “Who am I to judge her so harshly?”

 And so my healing with my mom began. I started to look at my mother through a different lens, one with love and compassion. 

Changing the Focus

Danielle with her mother and sister

However, when faced with Mom’s caregiving, some of those feelings of resentment and judgement crept back in.  After all, my sister was definitely Mom’s “favorite” but I was the one taking care of her! 

God has an interesting sense of humor because I realized that some of my emotional problems were caused by my perceptions of my sister.  Why wasn’t she here more? Why didn’t she take on some of the responsibility? Didn’t she care? 

I became resentful of my sister’s freedom and my perception of her lack of care and concern. My history with my sister had also been challenging while growing up and remained complicated and complex into adulthood. 

As Mom’s condition progressed, I placed expectations on my sister of how a daughter should behave when faced with a parent who has Alzheimer's. I set the bar high and expected her to reach it even though she lived hundreds of miles away, worked full time, and had her hands full with a special-needs adult child. I could not see past my own thoughts and feelings. 

And so there began several years of struggle working through the process of having an ill parent and a strained sibling relationship. 

Turns out I’m not alone in facing this type of struggle. A Canadian study published in the European Journal on Ageing in 2009 pointed out that siblings, who have developed separate identities after leaving the perceptual confines of childhood, can find themselves struggling with the concept of fairness in caregiving for an elderly parent. Tensions over power and identity often are prevalent, with some siblings even trying to dominate the caregiving relationship, making legal, medical, financial and other decisions on their own without communicating these to other family members.

Working Past the Hurt

The challenges we face in life are opportunities for growth and healing. Sometimes we have to flip the script and reframe our way of thinking. Taking care of Mom became an honor and a privilege. I decided I would care for her the way I wanted my kids to care for me if faced with the same circumstance. 

I also used it as a chance to delve deeper into my own mental, emotional and spiritual health. I continued on my spiritual path by attending a Vipassana 10-day silent meditation retreat. Through mediation, self-examination, supportive friend groups, and studying A Course in Miracles*, my heart softened, and my mind shifted to unconditional love for my sister. 

That’s where miracles did indeed happen. Once I changed my way of thinking, my sister became more open to helping and supporting me the best she could from a distance. She visited more, called more and sent little treats to make me feel appreciated. I realized that she could feel my negative energy, even at a distance, so she did not want to come around. Once I shifted my mindset, my energy shifted and my sister’s feelings of being judged and unwelcomed dissipated. 

Mom’s Everlasting Blessing

Despite the strain in our relationship, I didn’t want to sever the ties to my sister. Fortunately, Mom, who passed away in 2022, left a gift of helping strengthen her daughters’ relationship through forgiveness and compassion.

Since her death, my sister and I have grown closer. We celebrate Mom’s birthday together each year, take a summer trip, and talk weekly. 

I also learned so much about navigating relationships during that time. Several truths emerged and have stayed with me, including:

• Don’t put expectations on other people. After all, I only have control over myself. 

• Accept that we are all flawed and doing the best we can. Who am I to judge? 

• The energy that individuals send out into the world will come back to them. I focus on the positive. 

• Everyone has a story. Be open to it. 

And I also have learned to treasure the memories and the miracles that came through out this experience. I had the honor of holding Mom in my arms as she took her last breath. My sister was on the highway, trying desperately to get here as fast as she could. Mom died at 11:02 a.m. After drying my tears and processing the loss, I looked down at my phone to find that my sister had texted at exactly 11:02 a.m. to say, “Tell Mom I love her.”

This was no coincidence or random occurrence. This was another sign during this time of reconnection of how the three of us had connected spiritually and emotionally. Throughout this emotional journey, our mother’s enduring legacy was the peace and love she fostered between her daughters.  

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